It's been awhile since I posted. I have been healing. I have found myself snooping to see what he is up to, but it doesn't control my days anymore. I stop myself and say: No, I gave that up to God. It's not my responsibility to check up on my husband.

It doesn't matter if I know anyway. It doesn't change the fact that he is going to participate in his behavior. It only adds to my hurt. If I trust God to deal with it, then I must leave it in God's hands and quit trying to...

I have found that as I concentrate on what God wants me to do and quit trying to change and control my husband, that I have greater peace. The hurt wells up at times, but the frustration is gone. I remind myself daily that changing my husband is not my job and not my responsibility. I have to pray every day for Jesus to show me how to respond and behave in HIS way. Obviously, my way doesn't work, so I must submit to HIS way. Oh how hard it is at times. I want to fight back. I want to shake...

It is true: Hurt people hurt people. I didn't mean to, and sometimes I didn't realize it, and sometimes I was defending me. I reacted inappropriately many times out of my hurt. I lashed out on some folks just because I displaced my anger. I took a bad attitude toward men because of my hurt. I lashed out at my children--that is one thing I regret the most. Through my insanity of the intense deep continuous pain in my heart, I struck back not only on the offender but on honest bystanders just...

I hate when people ask me "How are you?" They don't understand the can of worms that they open when they ask that. I am smiling on the outside. I look good, and I go through the motions of living a good life. But, I am not okay, and of all the people who have asked me how I am doing, none of them seem to be someone I can trust with how I am really doing. So, I smile and cheerfully say "Wonderful". Truth is that I am not wonderful. I am broken, bruised, shattered, and so...

Soon I will be celebrating my 24th wedding anniversary. Looking back, there have been many happy years. However, the last 3 years have been excruciatingly painful as my husband's secret life has been more intense, and he has become more brave in acting out his inner struggle. Nevertheless, I know he loves me, and I love him. I don't know how we will ever survive the damage he has done, but God is faithful, and all things are possible with HIM. Although I no longer completely trust my husband...